Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
same vibe as tangled headphones
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.