What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
What
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
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laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)