[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.