for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay