My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
LMAO
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough