At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
need him
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now