Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Doggies just call it style.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?