Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
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[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
doing your own taxes
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
The struggle is real
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.