mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
even bears disappoint their mothers
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree