(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.