“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
This is a true ally.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator