*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
When you kidnap a writer.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.