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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Happens to everyone.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”