The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
his wife is probably gonna see that
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
when you are just born a rebel
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.