Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.