So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Spotted in New Orleans.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.