Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic