Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
me opening up to someone
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
When you “pspspsp” too hard
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat