hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,