Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
When I snag the last meatball.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.