Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You Might Also Like
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.