[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
What the dentist sees
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT