My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
What flavor cupcake are these
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
#math
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.