yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Lmao the reply
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this