Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
You Might Also Like
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
A game married people play.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.