Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man