My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Great Canadian literature.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.