Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Bros before Ohioes
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
work smarter, not harder
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”