Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Watson was Holmes schooled
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*