my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.