I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume