Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
You Might Also Like
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??