Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Vodka burrito was a success
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Haha good job!!
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
it’s the silliest best thing
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.