Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.