Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.