roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”