I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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LMAO.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car