“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.