(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore