Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.