INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.