Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I…do not understand how electricity works.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic