Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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SF is the wild wild west man
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good