Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
You Might Also Like
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.