1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
You Might Also Like
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
groan^2
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭