M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.