“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
can you read it!!??
maan!
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover