ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
LA today:
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this