You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free