Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I don’t think my car can fly
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy